Nonviolent Communication (NVC)

Nonviolent Communication (NVC) is a communication method that emphasizes empathy, respect, and clarity in how we speak and listen. The term “nonviolent” doesn’t mean just the absence of physical violence - it refers to speaking without blame, shame, or attacks. In practice, NVC is about focusing on people’s feelings and needs rather than jumping to criticism or judgment.

Developed by psychologist Marshall Rosenberg in the 1960s (and described in his book¹), this approach has been used worldwide to improve relationships - from couples and families to workplaces and even conflict resolution settings. The goal is simple: to create understanding and connection so that everyone’s needs can be met peacefully.

NVC helps us break out of “win-lose” conversations and power struggles. Instead of arguing over who’s right or wrong, we learn to express what’s really going on inside us and to understand what’s going on inside others. By doing so, even tough conversations become easier and less combative. It’s like translating our usual language into one of empathy, where the focus is on understanding each other, not on winning an argument.

To illustrate the difference in communication styles, Rosenberg used a simple yet powerful metaphor: “Jackal” and “Giraffe” language.

Jackal language is our habitual way of communicating. It is a language of the head, filled with diagnoses, judgments, blame, and demands. It is the voice that criticizes, compares, and attacks, creating separation and conflict.

In contrast, Giraffe language is the language of NVC. Rosenberg chose the giraffe because it is the land animal with the largest heart, a long neck to see from a wider perspective, and a tongue that can digest thorns. It represents a language of the heart - one that is clear, compassionate, and always seeking to connect with the life and needs within ourselves and others.

While many guides jump straight into the four-step model for speaking, a more effective and sustainable path to learning begins with our inner world, then extends to how we listen, and only then focuses on how we express ourselves. This sequence builds the emotional resilience and empathic capacity necessary to communicate effectively, especially when conversations become difficult.

At the beginning we should turn the NVC process inward to understand our own feelings and needs without judgment.

Most of us have a harsh inner critic - a voice that berates us for our mistakes and shortcomings. This voice tells us we are “stupid,” “lazy,” or “not good enough.” Self-empathy is about meeting this inner voice with the curiosity and warmth. It involves pausing to notice our self-judgments, identifying the painful feelings they create (like shame or frustration), and then connecting to the unmet needs that lie beneath them (like self-acceptance, competence, or care).

This internal practice is the key to emotional regulation. When we can offer ourselves empathy, we are less likely to be emotionally hijacked by our triggers, which gives us the inner space to choose how we respond to others instead of reacting automatically.

When we cultivate a more compassionate relationship with ourselves, we can extend it to others. The second mode of NVC is empathic listening, which is profoundly different from how we normally listen.

Most of us listen while preparing our response, waiting for our turn to speak, or analyzing and diagnosing the other person. Empathic listening, in contrast, calls on us to “empty our mind and listen to others with our whole being”. The goal here is simple but radical: connection before solution. We set aside our own agenda, our advice, and our desire to “fix” things, and instead focus all our attention on understanding the feelings and needs behind the other person’s words. It doesn’t matter if their words are expressed in harsh language, full of blame, criticism, or demands. Our task is to listen through their words to the heart of what is alive in them.

When people feel truly heard and understood, a remarkable thing happens: the emotional charge of the situation decreases, defensiveness melts away, and a space for trust and collaboration opens up. This act of receiving with compassion is often the most powerful gift we can offer, and it creates the safety needed for our own honest expression to be heard in return.

Having first connected with ourselves and then listened empathically to others, we are in the best possible position to express ourselves honestly and vulnerably. This is the third mode of NVC, where we use the four-step framework to share our own experience in a way that is least likely to provoke defensiveness and most likely to inspire connection.

Honest expression in NVC is not about being brutally honest or using our feelings as a weapon. It is about revealing what is true for us (our observations, our feelings, and our needs) without any blame or criticism of the other person. The four-step model provides a clear structure for this expression, acting as a guide to ensure our words build the bridges we seek.

Practicing Nonviolent Communication involves four key steps or components. Think of it as a framework to guide you when you’re upset or facing conflict. The steps are: Observation, Feeling, Need, and Request. Here’s how they work:

• An observation is a concrete, factual statement about what our senses perceive.
• An evaluation is our interpretation, judgment, analysis, or generalization of what we have observed.

The first step is to separate these two and focus on the former, as our evaluations are often laden with criticism and blame, which almost inevitably trigger defensiveness in the listener.

Think of it like a video camera. A camera records the specific words and actions that occur, but it does not add labels like “rude,” “lazy,” or “inconsiderate”. When we start a conversation with a neutral observation that both parties can agree on, we establish a shared reality and a non-threatening foundation for dialogue. Words like “always,” “never,” “often,” and “seldom” are red flags that we are likely evaluating rather than observing.

To make this distinction clear, consider the following examples:

Identify and express the feeling that this observation stimulates in us. In NVC, feelings are understood as the body’s messengers, physical sensations that tell us whether our needs are being met or not. Learning to tune into this “weather of the heart” is a critical skill for building emotional literacy and self-awareness.

A crucial distinction in this step is between true feelings and what are often called “faux feelings” or thoughts disguised as feelings. Faux feelings are statements that sound like emotions but actually contain an interpretation or a hidden blame of the other person. They often follow the structure “I feel that…” or “I feel like…” and frequently imply that someone else is doing something to us. For example, saying “I feel misunderstood” is not a pure feeling. It is an assessment of the other person’s level of understanding and subtly blames them for not getting it. The true feeling underneath might be frustration, loneliness, or sadness. Distinguishing between these helps us take full responsibility for our own emotional experience.

A simple test is to ask if the word you’re using describes an internal state or an action someone else is taking. “Sad” is an internal state. “Abandoned” describes what someone else has done. Focusing on our true feelings keeps the focus on our own experience, which is far less threatening for a listener to hear.

The table below provides examples to help clarify this vital difference:

This third step contains a revolutionary insight: our feelings are caused by our needs, not by other people’s actions. What others say or do is merely the stimulus for our feelings, not the cause. We experience pleasant feelings when our needs are being met and unpleasant feelings otherwise. This simple shift in perspective moves us from a world of blame (“You make me angry!”) to a world of self-responsibility (“When I see that, I feel angry because my need for respect is not being met.”).

In NVC, needs are the core motivators of all our action. Needs are universal, providing the level at which we can most deeply connect with one another. While we may disagree fiercely on our opinions or strategies, we can almost always understand and empathize with each other’s underlying needs.

It is essential to distinguish between our universal needs and the specific strategies we use to try to meet those needs.

• A need is an abstract quality, like nourishment.
• A strategy is a concrete action, like eating a sandwich.

Conflict almost never happens at the level of needs - it happens when our chosen strategies for meeting our needs clash with someone else’s. Recognizing this opens up a world of creative problem-solving, because while a need is non-negotiable, there are countless strategies available to meet it.

The final step of the NVC process is to make a request - ask for something concrete that would help meet our unmet need. It is the part of the process that builds a bridge toward a solution. A clear, effective NVC request has three key characteristics:

• It uses positive action language. We ask for what we do want, rather than what we don’t want. Telling someone “Don’t be so loud” doesn’t tell them what level of sound is acceptable. A positive request like, “Would you be willing to lower your voice so we can talk calmly?” is much clearer and more effective.
• It is concrete and specific. A request must be for a clear, doable action. Vague requests like “I want you to be more respectful” or “I need you to show me you care” are likely to fail because they can be interpreted in countless ways. A specific request like, “Would you be willing to arrive to our meetings on time?” or “Would you be willing to give me a hug?” is unambiguous and actionable.
• It is a request, not a demand. This is often the most challenging aspect of this step. A true request honors the other person’s autonomy, meaning they are completely free to say “no.” If we respond to a “no” with blame, guilt, punishment, or coercion, our initial “request” was actually a demand in disguise. The willingness to hear “no” without it damaging the connection is the true test of a request. It communicates that the other person’s needs matter to us as much as our own.

There are two main types of requests in NVC:

• The first is a connection request, which is designed to check for understanding the state of the connection. Examples include, “To make sure I’m understanding you, would you be willing to tell me what you heard me say?” or “I’m curious how you’re feeling after hearing that.”
• The second is an action request, which asks for a specific behavior to help meet a need, such as, “Would you be willing to take out the trash tonight?”

One of the most frequent criticisms of NVC is that, especially for beginners, it can sound formulaic and inauthentic. Hearing someone say, “When I observe you doing X, I feel Y because my need for Z is unmet,” can feel stilted and unnatural in a casual conversation.

It is vital to remember that the formula is a practice tool, not a rigid script. The purpose is to retrain your brain to think in terms of observations, feelings, needs, and requests. As you become more comfortable with the underlying consciousness, you can begin to let go of the strict formula and find your own natural language.

The four components can be expressed in any order, or some can be left unspoken if the context makes them clear. The key is to hold the intention of connecting with compassion. You might simply say, “I feel really hurt when the plans change at the last minute because I need predictability. Could we talk about that?” Here, the observation is implied, but the core elements of feeling, need, and request are present in a more conversational way. Trust that with practice you will learn to speak in your own unique voice.

It is one thing to practice NVC when you are calm and centered. It is another entirely to access it when you are feeling angry, hurt, or defensive. In fact, trying to force a conversation when you are in those states is often counterproductive and can feel inauthentic to both you and the other person.

In these moments, the most compassionate action you can take is to pause. One helpful tool is the acronym WAIT: Why Am I Talking? or What Am I Thinking?. This is a signal to yourself to stop, take a break, and not speak until you have reconnected with your intention. This may mean saying, “You know, I’m feeling too upset to talk about this right now. I need to take a few minutes to cool down. Can we come back to this in half an hour?”

Stepping away is not a form of avoidance but a responsible strategy. It gives you the time and space to do the crucial work of self-empathy, so you can understand your own feelings and needs before re-engaging in a more constructive and connected way.

What happens when you vulnerably express your observation, feeling, and need, and make a beautiful, clear request… and the other person says “no”? For many, this feels like a rejection and a dead end. In NVC, however, a “no” is not the end of the conversation. It is the beginning of a deeper dialogue.

A “no” is simply information. It is a signal that agreeing to your request would prevent the other person from meeting one of their own important needs. For example, if you ask your partner, “Would you be willing to go for a walk with me?” and they say “no,” their refusal might be protecting their need for rest after a long day, or their need for solitude, or their need to finish an urgent work task.

The true test of a request versus a demand is how you respond to that “no.” Instead of getting defensive or withdrawing, a better response is to get curious. You can shift from honest expression back to empathic listening. By seeking to understand the need behind their “no,” you keep the connection alive and open the door to finding a new strategy that can meet everyone’s needs. Perhaps you can sit together quietly for ten minutes instead, or plan a walk for the next day. Hearing a “no” with empathy is one of the most advanced and rewarding skills in the NVC journey.

• Context: You (again) received a needed report late.
• Without NVC: You’re always late with these reports. It’s so irresponsible.
• With NVC: When I see the report coming in after the deadline (observation), I feel stressed and worried (feeling) because I need reliability to plan my next steps (need). Would you be willing to send me a quick update if you think you’ll need more time (request)?

• Context: Your partner have no time for you for the last 2 weeks.
• Without NVC: You never spend time with me anymore. You don’t care about this relationship.
• With NVC: When we don’t have dinner together like we used to (observation), I feel lonely and disconnected (feeling) because I need closeness and shared time with you (need). Would you be open to planning a dinner together once this week (request)?

• Context: Your friend cancels plans at the last minute.
• Without NVC: I can’t believe you canceled on me again. You’re so flaky.
• With NVC: When you cancel our plans at the last minute (observation), I feel disappointed (feeling) because I really value reliability and our time together (need). Could we pick another day that works for both of us (request)?